Comments on: One Flesh

By: Lauren

Lauren — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 17:24:05 +0000

Cloudscome–I agree. It’s not about FORCING each woman to parent for 6 weeks, it’s about making that option AVAILABLE and FEASIBLE. I never once thought that it would be acceptable to take my son home with me for 6 weeks.
And the truth is, as much as everyone loves the “burning building” theory, how many of our children REALLY would have suffered if we had kept them? Not mine. I would just be a poor, single mother (just like I am now–and my daughter is happy, healthy, and wonderful).
Adoption is a permanent solution to an often very temporary problem.

By: cloudscome

cloudscome — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 01:57:05 +0000

It’s just different for every parent. So… every parent ought to have the chance to have the time and the resources they need. That’s the thing.

By: Abebech

Abebech — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 21:12:11 +0000

My experience with Little Bun was very, very different from yours. He was a separate being always, I think, by virtue of the medicalization of my pregnancy. But he was also physically dependent on me and in a normally unrecognized way, I became dependent on his survival for my own. The moment he was born, I thought I was dying, but that it was okay — he was well, and then I could let go. He was surrounded by so much love, my own included. He would be okay. (But as you know, then I didn’t die, and I thought “Now what?!”)
In those first weeks, not only could I not have let him go, but I couldn’t let him out of my sight. I would wake to make sure he was breathing.
Between six and ten weeks I was a crazy mess, still experiencing medical complications of the pregnancy and delivery, completely sleep-deprived and unable to make a decision about anything, including what I wanted to eat. That would not have been the right time to choose another life for my child.
From my own experience, I am unconvinced that there is ever a physically or emotionally right time to make this decision.
I’ve said before that I hold now to the “burning building” theory — I could toss my children to safety if we were in a burning building, even if this meant losing them forever. But honestly, nothing else could or should separate me from them.
I suppose that the time that you become really aware that it really is burning and that no one can put it out is the right time. But how often is that building really hopelessly burning?
Noncoersion seems exceedingly rare. A couple weeks isn’t really going to change that, is it? (but it sure beats three days).

By: barb

barb — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 09:24:59 +0000

Lauren- i had the same 6 week period as well. i just couldn’t fathom parenting. in fact, at the time, i thought 6 weeks was too long.

By: Bear's Mommy

Bear's Mommy — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 03:57:11 +0000

It was so different for me. I was in love with my twins instantly. I was in love with both of my husband’s and my children instantly (why isn’t there a word for our children after we reliquish?) If I had spent 6 weeks with my twins I would have never been able to let them go. Ever. As for all four of my children I feel like they are part of me that I gave them part of my soul. They have part of me and that will never change. Does that make sence? But then again I had suffered from secondary infertility and had a lot of time to come to terms with a lot of things before I was able to get pregnant again.

Sorry for the rambling . . .

By: Lauren

Lauren — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 01:50:24 +0000

I tried that detachment method as well, barb. How is it working out for you? (I ask this very earnestly.) It has caused me nothing but pain. Every single day I am reminded that if I had just been stronger, just said “let me be with my baby” that our adoption plan would have gone out the window. If I had felt like parenting my son before signing the paperwork was even an option for me, I would have and he would still be with me. There was so much pressure and “advice” from everyone involved (agencies, lawyers, adopters, my parents) that I do not believe at all that I made a wise, informed decision that was truly 100% mine.
I think there should be a mandatory 6 week period that each mother has an opportunity (if she so chooses) to parent her child without constant interference from anyone who will benefit from the seperation of her and her child.

By: barb

barb — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 11:42:06 +0000

there’s no way i could have parented, even for one day. not physically, not emotionally. it just wasn’t feasible.

i had detached myself from the Kiddo before birth. for my own safety. he was born from me, but i made him belong to someone else.

By: Kohana

Kohana — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 03:04:42 +0000

This is very personal and thoughtfully written. I think I’ll have to think on it for awhile before I can join the dialogue. I never even thought about this “separateness” that you are describing. I wonder if I went through the same process without realizing it? I’m not sure that I did. Let me go think some.

By: dawnfriedman

dawnfriedman — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 23:53:08 +0000

My feelings were very different than yours and truthfully, I can’t relate to a lot of what you wrote here. (Let me say emphatically that every experience is valid no matter how different they are and I am by NO MEANS saying that your experience trumps mine or vice versa.) I’ve been reading about maternal development (for my infertility book) and it’s so individual and so dependent on outside factors and situational issues. Every woman’s experience becoming a mother by birth is true, period, and there are some commonalities but there are so so so many exceptions that even the commonalities start looking less common.

I don’t think it’s possible to plan for every possible adoption contingency. I think thirty days is the *least* there should be re., revocation. I don’t think parents should be *made* to parent but I think there should be more encouragement and support. I think agencies should be more full-service.

I have trouble figuring out when it’s empowering and validating to support a woman in her adoption choices and when it’s coercive. I also don’t know when it’s empowering and validating to encourage a woman to parent despite an adoption plan and when it’s coercive.

The other thing is that when I was interviewing various folks for the open adoption article for Adoptive Families, I realized how very very very different every family’s circumstances are. I base a lot of my adoption thoughts on what’s happened with us and with Jessica and it means I’ve made a lot of assumptions that don’t work with other people’s adoptions. I try to find a common thread (and I’m still trying) to figure out what I think about policy and damn, it’s hard. But I cling to a change in revocation periods — also I think it’s absolute CRAP that different states do things differently so that women and babies end up being sent to, say, Utah to give birth so that people can skirt the laws in her home state.

What I want to know (and I hope this isn’t getting too personal) is how Snapper makes you feel differently (if you feel differently) about not-Boomer and his mom. Has your motherhood experience changed the way you look back at what happened? Does it give you a different insight?

LisaV and I have talked about this because I think it’s so interesting. I would have been a very different adopter had I adopted first, I think, although I can’t say concretely how.

By: roundisfunny

roundisfunny — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 23:09:08 +0000

You raise some great questions here. Not having given birth, I can’t speak to how long it “typically” takes someone to have that sense of this being a separate person. But, though we were attached to Roo almost instantly, love took longer.

In the state where Roo was born, there is a 3-day wait before relinquishment and then a 10-day revocation period when the baby is usually in foster care. We felt good that there WAS a revocation period but I’m not convinced it would be long enough for most people.

I wonder if any of this looks different for a woman who relinquishes her first as opposed to a woman who relinquishes a child who is not her firstborn?