Bridesmaid

I went to get fitted for my sister-in-law’s wedding in the loveliest of pearl pink gowns the other night.  It was OK when I told the lady my pants size range, and OK when the larger of the two didn’t fit, OK that the next largest didn’t fit (or so I thought until I saw the back cleavage), OK that the size that did fit was outside my normal comfort zone.  I thought, this is alright because I am happy and healthy except for needing to get out there and exercise.

Then I saw my back and the back of my arms and immediately went straight to, “oh my God!  nobody can see me like this!  I have to lose 20 pounds and tone up my arms before the wedding!”  Because, you know, the wedding is ultimately about me and how I look in a bridesmaid’s dress and not at all about the joining of two people madly in love and the loveliness of my sister-in-law (who is indeed going to be stunning–I’ve seen her and I’ve seen her dress and it’s a winning combination).  Also, 20 pounds?!?  There’s not much of a disease/longevity risk with 20 pounds.  I shouldn’t gain any more, true, and I should gain more muscle.  I’m working on that.  But 20 pounds is not a big deal unless you are convinced you have to look a certain way to be beautiful.

And I am trying to get off that train.  It is very easy for me to lose weight if I am serious about it.  Dieting doesn’t work in the long run, though, and it’s not particularly good for you.  I need to tweak my daily food choices, which are already pretty good minus too much ice cream and french fries.  I need to exercise.  But mark my words: I am NOT going to spend the next three months trying to lose weight.  I am not getting up on that scale!!  I am beautiful and I need to focus on health.  I could tell myself that I’m losing weight for health but it is really for vanity and feeling myself not worthy of western standards of beauty for white women in their thirties.  I am done with that shit.

Honestly, if Weight Watchers really meant what they say about it not being a diet and how it’s about “learning to be healthy,” they would throw out the scales and JUST talk about good food choices and exercise.  People would end up losing weight anyway.  Of course you know how much I hate that weight loss is a business.

How do y’all feel about Queen Latifah’s commercial for Jenny Craig?  I have pretty mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I think she’s gorgeous and I love that she’s a role model for all kinds of women who don’t usually see themselves represented positively up on the big screen (how else could she have played “Big, Blond and Beautiful” in Hairspray?).  On the other hand, on the commercial she emphasizes that she’s doing it for her health.  It makes me wonder if she insisted upon that wording or if it’s savvy marketing for people like me.  On yet another hand, she’s already a spokeswoman for the cosmetics industry so she’s into conforming to a certain extent.  At any rate, I hope she does get healthy, whatever that might mean for her, and I hope she keeps advocating for larger women.