Nephew #4

Four boys!  My other sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy little guy (her first) yesterday afternoon.  We'll have to be special pals because yesterday was also MY birthday 🙂

Thanks for the encouraging comments to the post below.  I'll be writing soon.

Read Full Post »

Living

I find myself unsure of how to proceed on Boomerific given that we do not have any progress to report along the adoption front, and probably won’t for a while.

But while adoption is a big part of my life, and always will be, it isn’t the only thing I have going.  So maybe I’ll just write, just noodle around and journal and see what comes of it.

Right now I’m working on the Prospectus, which is a kind of proposal for the dissertation.  I’m having a tremendous amount of fun with it, because it’s my favorite kind of investigtation of all: scrutinizing prevailing scholarship.  I like what’s been written on Irish poetry and culture from 1930-60, but I don’t believe it’s complete; there’s a lot yet to be done, and I’d like to get cracking on it.  I’m finding a lot of obscure, out-of-print poetry that I hope, when I actually read it, will point to a vibrant if generally unknown body of work in those seemingly stagnant years.  It’s thrilling, really.

The puppies continue to do well and also to drive me up a wall from time to time.  Lenny, who you will recall was the puppy from hell when we got him last year, who had to be on a leash in the house at all times, who took the better part of a year to housetrain, and who had no clue about how to give and receive affection, is simply a delight these days.  I just spent an hour working on the Prospectus with him at my feet, chewing contentedly.  If you had described such a scenerio to me a year ago I would have called you a crackpot visionary.  Heidi is good, too, as she was from the beginning, but she is a trial in her own way.  Mainly she is frenetic in her licking, and we are working to curb that.  It’s hella annoying.  She is also a barking machine outside and that REALLY makes me want to scream.  Anybody have suggestions for training strategies?  I don’t mind a bark or two but I do mind the going ballistic everytime a dog goes by (and now Lenny is doing it too, because of her), and the neighbors seeing an attack dog when really she’s a sweet little girl.  On the whole it is great to have these two nutty companions when I am home most days grading and reading.

It’s not so bad.  It’s getting better.

Read Full Post »

In Gratitude for New Life

This appears on the website of musician Tim Carbone.

The Lord’s Prayer
(Aramaic to English translation – rather than
Aramaic to Greek to Latin to English)

O Cosmic Birther of all radiance and vibration!
Soften the ground of our being and carve out
a space within us where Your Presence can abide.
Fill us with your creativity so that we may be
empowered to bear the fruit of Your mission.
Let each of our actions bear fruit in accordance
with Your desire.
Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share
what each being needs to grow and flourish.
Untie the tangled threads of destiny that bind us,
as we release others from the entanglement of
past mistakes.
Do not let us be seduced by that which
would divert us from our true purpose,
but illuminate the opportunities of the present moment.
For You are the ground and the fruitful vision,
the birth power and fulfillment,
as all is gathered and made whole again.

Amen

Read Full Post »

New Life

As of yesterday afternoon, Attic Man and I have a new nephew! He’s healthy, Attic Man’s sister is healthy, and we are all very, very happy.

One out, one to go.

🙂

Read Full Post »

Wait

I’m back.  It was lovely, thank you.

It was also hard in a number of ways.  First, of course, was the fact of being thrown off my usual crutches of television, reading, and blogging.  Second was what happened when I had to face myself in all that quiet: ouch.  I was, as the saying goes, one hurtin’ cowpoke.   Also, did I mention that there was no internet?  At all?

But it was good.  Angelspring is an unpretentious little farm in the Laurel Highlands run by two highly educated, spiritually-minded, yet incredibly grounded women with sufficient degrees and training to provide massage therapy, meditation guidance, art therapy, and a whole lotta other things I didn’t take advantage of.  In fact, Karen and Charleen don’t insist on any of the extra services; if you just want to hole up in the cabin and be completely undisturbed, you will never see them.  I had two guided meditation sessions (basically a review of techniques; she didn’t take me deep so I wasn’t in the position of being too vulnerable with someone I barely know) and other than that they left me alone.  My meals came in a picnic basket placed on the cabin porch.  The only way I could tell they were coming to deliver the meal was that the deer I was watching would suddenly perk up and bound away.

I won’t go into detail about what I went through personally during the retreat.  It’s not so much that it’s too personal, but that it’s too close to the experience to really process yet.  I did take a lot of walks in the fields and woods, and I made a very revealing mandala.  I was also startled by an enormous turkey.  According to a book Charleen gave me, the turkey is a totem for abundance.  Good sign, if you ask me.  I’m supposed to expect a year of harvest.

One thing was clear enough to relate here.  In my second meditation session Charleen asked me to prepare for the mandala by gently asking for guidance.  I asked, “what am I supposed to learn?” And almost immediately it came:

Wait.

I have this frantic sense that time is running out on me.  Yes, it’s running down for all of us, ultimately.  But we had this plan, this time in which it would be most expedient to have our first child.  The closer we get to our self-imposed deadline, the more panicked I get.  But what if there are different kinds of time?  What if I were to let go of my idea of what constitutes a proper timeline for a child and just…wait?

Peace.  Relaxation.  The right way to be, in fact, to best welcome a child.

For what it’s worth.

Read Full Post »

Retreat

Ugh–up at 1 a.m. because of poor sleep hygiene.  I really shouldn’t have had that nap, but my bones were screaming for one.

Tomorrow (um, later today) I head out to Angelspring for a two-day personal retreat.

I’ve been trying to do a personal retreat for about five years and have never been able to sync time, location, and finances until this week.  My plan is to have no plan, other than to have a guided meditation session, walk the grounds, sit, listen, and…

NOT bring a pen.

(gasp!  what WILL I do?)

OR–

a book.

(except my yoga book, in case I feel lead to practice).

I have no goals.  I am not planning to work anything out or come up with a new direction for my life.  I will not attempt to solve any problems or to reach enlightenment.  I am going to just ‘be’ for a couple of days.

Prayers for you all.  Be back Friday.

Read Full Post »

Hope

I’ve been hanging on Babycakes’s every post. She’s seven days past ovulation in an attempt to conceive through donor insemination. Although I can’t relate to her journey directly, I know exactly what she means when she says,

“But hope also hurts like a goddamned mother fucker. It digs at your soul and tears you into tiny pieces. It chips away at your connection with reality. It lurks in the corners of your heart, waiting to pounce and remind you that you are not one of those people who are truly deserving of such things. Only other people are allowed hope.”

Her description of suffering through two-week waits between ovulation and the start of a new cycle (or a pregnancy) sounds remarkably like the days and weeks leading up to Daisy’s delivery. We wanted to have pure, unbridled hope, but there was always the feeling that a lurking monster was just waiting to destroy our dream.

I wish profound peace to everyone who is trying to adopt or conceive, or waiting to hear about getting into school, or hoping a loved one gets sober, or dealing with any other of the myriad of nail-biting waits.

Read Full Post »

It’s OK…surprisingly OK.

The verdict is in: we are not going to adopt this year. We just can’t do it.

But we’re OK. In fact, I feel better today than I have in months. It’s hard to make that narrative shift, but it’s finally happening. After some hard mourning (which I’m sure will return in waves from time to time), we have accepted that our adoption isn’t going to happen for probably a couple more years.  CLARIFICATION: I am not saying that we’re not adopting in Iowa–just that to start over in Iowa means we’re going to lose a lot of time.  The process can take two years or more, even when you’re adopting a child of any race.

Here’s why it’s OK: we can plan long-term now. We know exactly what adoption entails and we can spend the next few years saving and rearranging so that we will be in a much better position once the time comes. This weekend, for instance, we bought a cute little hatchback that’s safe and reliable (unlike our other piece of crap car) and that will help us repair some credit damage. This move will hopefully make a mortgage a more attainable goal. I believe you can parent well in an apartment or rental, but I also know that home ownership adds a bit more stability, and we could sure use some of that.

Clearing out the baby’s room and turning it back into my office was the best thing I could have done for the healing process. It was so, so hard, but it forced me to actively mourn. It forced me to literally reverse the process of preparing for a baby (unscrewing the crib, for instance) and in doing so honor the losses we’ve sustained. Now that I’ve been using the room for a few days I am thrilled with how much work I’m getting done. I took a weekend break after my exams–I have so much energy for my Prospectus that I didn’t need any more than that.

Look, life isn’t easy now and I don’t expect it ever to be. But sometimes it is alright. I intend to celebrate feeling good every bit as much as I make myself face the misery that comes my way.

So I sing to myself the song that nearly brought us to tears at the Railroad Earth concert last night:

soft thunder from across the meadow
rain buckets on the kitchen floor
no letter & the coffers empty
but all these storms i know we’ll weather
all these storms we’ll ride together

i never thought that it would be so hard girl
never saved up for a rainy day
never dreamed that we might howl & shiver
but all these storms i know we’ll weather
all these storms we’ll ride together

pick up your heart my love
pick up your branch & dove
jammin’ in the name of the lord
-we’ve got a hole to mend
-we’ve got a fire to tend
we won’t let these troubles grind us
we’ve got friends & prayers to mind us
we’ve got seven years behind us

long rumble comin’ ‘cross the meadow
rain pourin’ & the buckets full
sky crackin’ & the whole house shakin’
but all these storms i know we’ll weather
all these storms we’ll ride together

pick up your heart my love
pick up your branch & dove
jammin’ in the name of the lord
-my lady look alive!
-our ride will soon arrive!

lift up your eyes my dear
we need some light in here
jammin’ ‘til the jammin’s through
-we’ve got a hole to mend
-we’ve got a fire to tend
we won’t let these troubles grind us
we’ve got prayers on the road behind us
we’ve got heaven’s horses bridled

let it rain . . . we’ll let it rain . .
i love you girl . . let’s get this fire goin’

–“Storms”

***

I hope you all are well. And if you’re not, just know that you’re not alone.

Read Full Post »

Tuna Cakes with Dill Sauce, Baked Potatoes, and Greens

For fun and to thank all of you for being so supportive through the Adoption Ordeal I’d like to introduce a new feature to Boomerific: Sster’s Complete Menus. Recently Attic Man and I have discussed starting a Chef’s Journal to record our most sucessful meals. Then I thought, why not post them? I’ll give you a meal from start to finish, timing included. These meals are made for two but can easily be modified for a larger family. We usually have leftovers, anyway (tonight, for instance, we had three tuna cakes and dill sauce left over).

This meal will take 1 hour and 10 minutes to bring to the table.

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
2. Assemble Tuna Cakes (10 min.)

-3 cans chunk light tuna

-1 beaten egg

-1 T dried dill

-1 tsp. Old Bay

-1/2 tsp. salt

-1/4 tsp. pepper

-1/2 tsp. lemon zest

-1 roasted red pepper (jarred), minced

-enough breadcrumbs to bind

Combine and form into patties. Place on platter, cover, and refrigerate.

3. Scrub two Potatoes, wrap in foil, poke with fork, and stick in oven. (5 min.)

4. Relax! Sort through the mail or have a cup of tea. (15 min.)

5. Chop large bunch of fresh greens. Tonight we used Bok Choy, but we have also made Swiss Chard this way. You can use any kind of green. Separate the hard stem parts from the leafy parts (you will cook the hard parts first). I think tonight we used enough for about 5 cups. Set aside. (10 min.)

5. Mince three cloves of garlic, separate into two piles, and set aside. (5 min.)

6. Get your ingredients for the Dill Sauce ready. (5 min.)
-1 T butter

-a little olive oil

-1 1/2 cloves garlic (from what you already minced)
-2 T dry white wine

-1 T flour

-1 cup milk

-1 T dried dill

-1/4 cup grated parmesean cheese

-salt and pepper to taste

8. In a large skillet, heat a little olive oil and a tablespoon of butter on medium-low. When butter has melted, throw in half of the garlic you minced. Add 1/2 tsp. salt, lots of black pepper, and a few red pepper flakes. Cook until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add the chopped hard stem parts from the greens, stir to coat, and put on lid. (5 min.)

9. While the hard parts of the greens are cooking, start the Dill Sauce. Melt the butter in the olive oil on medium-low heat in a saucepan. Add the other half of the garlic you minced. Then add the wine and turn heat up until it is simmering. You will leave this for five minutes to reduce. (5 min.)

10. While the wine is reducing, throw the leafy parts of the greens into the skillet and stir to coat. Adjust the heat so that the greens are sauteeing nicely but don’t go past medium. Replace the lid.
11. Go back to the saucepan. Add the flour and stir with a whisk for 1 minute. Then add the milk and whisk until smooth. Add everything else but the cheese. Cook on low heat, whisking constantly, for a few minutes until it starts to thicken. Then turn off the heat, stir in the cheese, and put a lid on it. (5 min.)

12. Remove the potatoes from the oven. Turn the oven up to broil.

13. Take the tuna cakes out of the fridge. Oil the bottom of a large iron skillet generously (I used canola) and place tuna cakes in it. Place in broiler. (2 min.)
14. Check on the greens while the tuna cakes broil, put the potatoes on the table, and set the table.

15. When the cakes are lightly browned, turn them over.

16. In the meantime, put everything else on the table.

17. Take the tuna cakes out and serve piping hot, with the Dill Sauce on the side.

ENJOY!

Read Full Post »

Sad Afternoon

For the next few weeks I’m working on schoolwork until 2 in the afternoon and taking the rest of the day for maintaining home life. This afternoon I found myself bored and a little under-stimulated. I always have cleaning to do, but it didn’t appeal. We cleaned the house from stem to stern on Saturday so it wasn’t pressing.

I decided that I was ready to pack up the baby’s room. I had a bunch of energy and I felt that it was time to transition back to focusing on my other baby, the dissertation. Before the room had a crib and a dresser full of little outfits it was my office. I’ve been severely cramped since then with my desk in the dining room and the computer in the laundry room. I was looking forward to getting my work space back again.

Then I went to Home Depot to purchase some plastic bins and I nearly lost it. Right there in front of the wall ‘o plastic, I was listening to Chris Isaak’s “There She Goes” on the PA system and it hit me. I was in Home Depot buying storage containers for the stuff not-Boomer will never wear. The clothes will go on a different baby, and I’m not sure anymore when that baby will arrive. Though we are happy with finding a good agency in Iowa, we are out enough money from the agency here that we will have to miraculously come up with several thousand dollars more to start over. It’s money we just don’t have. So we may not be adopting for a while. We don’t know–we’re still planning to keep it open. Adoption is in our hearts, but it may not happen the way we had envisioned. And that hurts. I wish I could think, “oh, these clothes will be used by next year.” But I can’t.
When I got home I started stacking the clothes in the bins. Halfway through I realized I was gently lowering them into the containers. I was handling them like they were the baby–I was saying goodbye to the baby again. When I noticed what was happening I started to talk to not-Boomer. “These were the clothes we were going to put you in, little boy. We were so excited for your arrival. Here is the little bag we packed with your coming-home outfit and some tiny newborn diapers. Here is the blanket Meg sent us, and here is the one Ali knitted. I hope your mama is taking good care of you and that you are safe. We never held you, but you will always be the one that made us parents.”

I realized then that we have to have children. Our hearts changed irrevocably when we opened them to not-Boomer. Fortunately adoption is unlike doing it the old-fashioned way in that eventually you do get to parent. Sometimes not in the timeframe or the fashion you planned, but almost no one goes through it without coming out the other end with a child someday. So we will keep on working on it, even though we are feeling rather defeated at the moment.

I packed all the little stuff (the crib will have to be taken apart, and we are giving away one bassinette) and went to bed. I was too sad to stay awake.

Later I was crying, which was better. Tomorrow I’m going to finish the job and get my office back.

Read Full Post »