Posted in Uncategorized on March 18, 2006|
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I’m back. It was lovely, thank you.
It was also hard in a number of ways. First, of course, was the fact of being thrown off my usual crutches of television, reading, and blogging. Second was what happened when I had to face myself in all that quiet: ouch. I was, as the saying goes, one hurtin’ cowpoke. Also, did I mention that there was no internet? At all?
But it was good. Angelspring is an unpretentious little farm in the Laurel Highlands run by two highly educated, spiritually-minded, yet incredibly grounded women with sufficient degrees and training to provide massage therapy, meditation guidance, art therapy, and a whole lotta other things I didn’t take advantage of. In fact, Karen and Charleen don’t insist on any of the extra services; if you just want to hole up in the cabin and be completely undisturbed, you will never see them. I had two guided meditation sessions (basically a review of techniques; she didn’t take me deep so I wasn’t in the position of being too vulnerable with someone I barely know) and other than that they left me alone. My meals came in a picnic basket placed on the cabin porch. The only way I could tell they were coming to deliver the meal was that the deer I was watching would suddenly perk up and bound away.
I won’t go into detail about what I went through personally during the retreat. It’s not so much that it’s too personal, but that it’s too close to the experience to really process yet. I did take a lot of walks in the fields and woods, and I made a very revealing mandala. I was also startled by an enormous turkey. According to a book Charleen gave me, the turkey is a totem for abundance. Good sign, if you ask me. I’m supposed to expect a year of harvest.
One thing was clear enough to relate here. In my second meditation session Charleen asked me to prepare for the mandala by gently asking for guidance. I asked, “what am I supposed to learn?” And almost immediately it came:
I have this frantic sense that time is running out on me. Yes, it’s running down for all of us, ultimately. But we had this plan, this time in which it would be most expedient to have our first child. The closer we get to our self-imposed deadline, the more panicked I get. But what if there are different kinds of time? What if I were to let go of my idea of what constitutes a proper timeline for a child and just…wait?
Peace. Relaxation. The right way to be, in fact, to best welcome a child.
For what it’s worth.
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